The Curious Stench of Fundamentalism

A friend commented to me today that the religious intolerance of ultra-right movements such as the Tea Party makes his blood boil. HA! said I. Welcome to my world. If your blood's not boiling, you're in trouble. Big trouble. And you're almost certainly a Revangelican (evangelical Republican).

Try this: Turn on Rush Limbaugh for, oh, three minutes. C'mon, it won't kill you; you've been stuck in traffic behind a garbage truck for a lot longer than that. Just turn him on, sit back, and take it all in. Breathe him into your heart chakra, if you've got one. Then quietly turn him off after a few minutes, and take your pulse. If it's normal, you're cooked. You're a right wing Republican, you've thumped a few too many Bibles, and you've become accustomed to your own stench. You probably also have a comb-over, and chances are that your cologne is Old Spice. And your friends are either just like you and don't know anything's wrong, or else they're too polite to tap you on the shoulder and tell you what's what.

That's why I'm here. Have a seat, my friend. Listen to Madge. Your comb-over isn't working. We all know you're bald. And you need to let go of your rock solid beliefs. Like your cologne, they're hurting you, they're hurting me, and they're hurting everyone else. There's a big, beautiful world out there, and you're missing it by clenching onto your fundamentalist beliefs.

Ah, so that's where this blog entry is headed: Fundamentalism. The F word. That wacky belief system that refutes anything that's a challenge to one's faith. The Catholic church was fundamentally opposed to Galileo when he adopted the Copernican view that the sun, not the earth, was the center of the galaxy. George W. was fundamentally opposed to the fact that there were no weapons of mass destruction to be found in Iraq. Find them anyway! Fundies don't like opposition, and Fundies don't like to be wrong. When Fundies are shown to be factually challenged or data shy (aka, wrong), they like to twist the facts to their liking, which is rather twisted indeed.

For instance, this is what got my friend's panties all twisted up: Apparently some Tea Partiers aren't buying that the climate, she's a-changin'. They think that global warming is a ploy for the government to wring more money out of us, through programs paid by us, the taxpayers. Doesn't matter what the scientists say, or how many degrees they hold. They're all part of the left-wing conspiracy to take out the common man and woman.

The Fundies also think that representative government (i.e., democracy), is:

"...a temporary invention of man, even if it does line up with a few Biblical principals in a couple of areas. Certainly, it has often proved helpful in the spread of the Gospel. However, when Jesus returns, he will not set up a democracy. Therefore, we can be sure that democracy too will be shaken and found wanting." *

The sad thing is that I get it. I know how Fundies think. I was one, you recall. Trust me, the inside of a Fundamentalist's head is nowhere you want to be. It's dark in there. And tight. Not a lot of wiggle room, if you know what I mean. You're either with them or you're against them. And this either/or mentality is the very thing that's taking the wind out of our country.

How ironic that we went on a goose chase looking for weapons in Iraq, when it's homegrown Fundamentalism that's the weapon of mass destruction. Any ideology so brittle that it can't bend to accommodate its opposite is doomed to fail. Jesus bent. Muhammad bent. Buddha bent. Shiva bends. But Fundies? Dude, they snap.

Time to grow up, America! Hasten thou to hear the words of reason! The earth's heating up. You're contributing to it if you deny that it's happening. And by upholding the notion that we live in a black and white world, you're undermining the very thing that got us where we are today as a nation. Diversity rules, people! Do I hear amen?

Okay, now if someone would just help me down off this soap box, it's time for me to get some sleep.

* Definitely don't read this book: 'Christianity and Islam: The Final Clash', by Robert Livingston. The paucity of logic is stunning. Quote is on pp. 34-5.

How Atheists are Made

I have some sage advice for you parents out there. I realize that you're probably not scrambling for your pencil and paper, since the wisdom you're about to hear is coming from a childless chick. We barren gals don't hold a lot of sway in the child rearing department, and those of us who have never successfully changed a diaper really get the snub when we take the podium. Nonetheless, I'll selflessly shun the abuse and dodge your rotten tomatoes, since the pearls I am about to share may greatly benefit you, your offspring, and the entire human race. So here it is, encapsulated:

Spoil the child, create an atheist.

Allow me to enlarge upon that. When your child is born, he is completely reliant upon you. You are the center of his existence, and your presence is essential for his physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. In short, you are God to your child. As he gets older he slowly becomes less dependent, but for at least the first ten years of your child's life, your beliefs are his beliefs. Once he hits his teens, it all goes out the window. Whatever you believe, you can be sure that he'll believe the opposite.

But during those critical, formative years, when you are still God to your kid, you need to avoid spoiling him. You must be strong. If your two-year-old has a temper tantrum, it means that what he wants isn't good for him, and you mustn't succumb to his whims. By giving him what he wants, you'll just create bigger problems for him down the road. See, when you cave in to your child, whether by guilt or exhaustion, you send the message that the kid's in control, and his desires will be fulfilled once his whining breaks the sound barrier. Kids are smart. They figure out the essential equations, like crying for the length of X will produce Y amount of snot, which will get the desired effect of Z squared.

x(c+l)+y(s)=z(2)

The key thing to remember here is that your kid still thinks that you are God. You call the shots, at least in theory. So enjoy your status as a deity while it lasts, but keep in mind that what you do now will affect how your kid perceives God later in life. If you indulge your little angel, she's going to think that God is waiting in the wings like an obedient Servant, eagerly awaiting her next whim so that He can fulfill it.

Now, anyone over the age of thirty knows that life doesn't work quite like that. It's tough outside the womb. We may really, really want something or someone, so we kick and scream and carry on, but to no avail. Thank God that we don't get everything we want, right? Most people learn this early on and roll with it. But those who were spoiled rotten by their parents have a harder time adapting. They become indignant when God the Cosmic Genie doesn't answer their threats. What the hell's going on here? they wonder. I've prayed to inform God of my wishes, I've thrown my standard hissy fit, I've produced the requisite amount of snot, but I don't appear to be getting what I want. Deeply unsettling is this to the aging princess. She isn't familiar with the word 'NO'.

She tenaciously tries another approach. She throws out the Christian God of her youth (and the accompanying bathwater), and turns to Judaism. Maybe Yahweh will be a more obedient Servant. No luck. After millennia of this stuff, He's the Teflon God when it comes to whining. Next up is Islam. Allah seems at first to be the fulfiller of desires, particularly if you're male and have a hankering for lots and lots of virgins. The problem is that you have to be dead in order to have your wish granted. Dang those Abrahamic religions! There's always a rub.

She turns to Hinduism. Praying to Ganesh will remove the obstacles to getting what she wants, and Lakshmi will ensure that she gets it in this friggin' lifetime, possibly tomorrow if she chants long enough. No go. Your daughter finally gets around to reading the fine print, which, translated from the Sanskrit, explains that Lakshmi abundantly gives us what we need, not what we want.

She bags that and moves right along to Buddhism, that last jumping off point before Existentialism. Indeed, Buddhists and Existentialists swim in the same sea of emptiness; the difference is that one group sees God as a paddle, while the other sees Him as a crutch. And what good is a crutch when you're thrashing about in the sea? I ask you.

The issue that your spoiled daughter has with Buddhism is that it forces her to examine her desires. As her petty whims are pummeled, and as rivers of her sacred snot flow into the ocean of bliss, she hits the proverbial fork in the road. Cut the crap and merge with the Divine, or jettison the crutch and execute a perfect swan dive into godlessness.

Hey, don't blame me! You're the one who spoiled her! And after all, atheism's not so bad. The atheist's morals are undoubtedly more rigid than your own. Without a pesky God standing in her way, your child will undoubtedly get everything she's ever wanted. And that, my friend, will be her undoing, your legacy, and the end of civilization as we know it.

Above: Passage from the Koran ("The Highest") cut from the book of Isaiah. 5.5" x 3.5", 2010. As usual in my creative process, I cut the letters from one holy text to create the passage from another. I've been experimenting with piling them up so that the passage is unreadable; you're looking at the last word of the chapter, which in this case was 'Moses'. The pile of letters was about 3/8" high by the time I finished it, which casts a cool shadow on the paper.